Name thief

One day, you are going to be confronted with the realization that a dear friend with whom you share all your secrets is also a thief. A name thief to be exact! Chances are you will make this troubling discovery at an inopportune venue like a hospital, or worse, a church. Follow this:

Priest: “Dearly beloved, we are gathered here for the naming ceremony of Foresight Elisha Kwame.

You turn abruptly to look at the beaming mother and pinch her through her embroidered A-line dress.

” Foresight? You named your son Foresight? You lil thief!”

She widens her eyes in feigned confusion as an awkward silence consumes the church.

“Oh don’t even play me like that. You know damn well I have been meaning to name my first son Foresight. How dare you steal my name? I trusted you.”

Your friend mouths a mischievous sorry but the harm has been imprinted on the birth certificate and echoed to the universe - there is no turning back.

This fictitious plot is a trivial but irritating disadvantage of being a late bloomer in the maternity ward. Last night, over a bowl of fried shrimps sauteed with cilantro and onions, my friend Keisha (a late bloomer) confessed that her bestfriend has stolen two exotic names she had been preserving for her own children. When they were young and restless, Keisha told her friend that in future she would name her son Elixir and her daughter Utopia. As fate would have it, her friend gave birth first and to Keisha’s chagrin, the handsome baby boy was called Elixir. Two years later, while Keisha was happily married but still childless, she got the news that her friend had given birth again. Keisha raced to the hospital to find the mother cradling a hazel-eyed baby girl named… wait for it… Utopia!!!

Like Keisha, you have probably been a victim of this girl-code violating behaviour. Or, perhaps you have taken such a long time giving birth that by the time you are ready, all the cool names would have been taken and you have to opt for new ones like Blue Ivy and North. So what do you do with friends who shoplift names right out of your heart? Well, you should send them a Hallmark card with ‘cease and desist’ neatly crafted in the interior. Then you stop telling them your secrets and stop inviting them to your house. Cause if they will steal your baby names, then they can steal your bedsheets or your spouse. Ok I exaggerate, but these are dangerous people. Anyway, I am planning on naming my son Rock Solid Bonsu and my daughter Indie Azonto Bonsu*. Come 3 feet near those names and I will cut you with an 8/14 legal size paper. No exaggeration needed.

*Indie short for Independent.

Disclaimer: Unfortunately I had to change some of the names and events to protect some perpetrators. Elixir and Utopia obviously not the real names (help yourself)

2 thoughts on “Name thief

  1. Ama your wit and humour make my day! Fortunately a conventionalist such as I had no problem with anyone wanting to steal my baby names. But you made me laugh!

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